Perseverance

Perseverance... 

I remember back to my days in elementary school at St. Charles and the exact day I learned how to spell this word. P-E-R-S-E-V-E-R-A-N-C-E. Of course, I had absolutely no idea what it meant.

As I have grown, and especially this year, this powerful word has taken on more and more meaning and significance. 

Since this past summer, I've been having trouble accepting myself and being confident. Coming off as someone who is "always happy" and pretending like nothing is wrong is my way of hiding my insecurities.

Along with these insecurities, a nasty eating disorder has developed within me and I feel like it is taking over. When something consumes about 80% of your thoughts during the course of the day, it's hard to feel like yourself and think clearly. Because let's be honest, 20% isn't quite enough space to house the rest of everything else.

Alpha Phi has a formal coming up in early October so I've been thinking about who to invite to come along with me as a date. The other day I asked a guy who I had been "talking to," who then declined my invitation and went on to say he was actually talking to another girl.

I had two choices here: I could either have been extremely and rude and say that I didn't want to be his friend anymore, or I could just accept and rise above it. As much as I wanted to pick option one (most of us would...), I told him that I appreciated his honesty and that I would be there as a friend if he ever needed anything. 

I think once people stop letting outside forces affect who they are and how they feel, they realize an inner strength that they didn't know they had. This is currently something I am trying to wrap my own brain around.

We live in a society where people feel like they have to be approved by others in order to feel beautiful and good about themselves. What most don't know is that in order to feel truly "beautiful," YOU are the one who has to approve and accept yourself. Because let's be honest, you can run around your whole life trying to please others, but most will never feel that satisfaction until you are happy with yourself.

Once you accept yourself, you feel empowered to make others want to accept themselves too. My mom has always told me to remember the phrase "me third." This means that we are called to put both God and others before ourselves. By doing so, this idea of reciprocity will come into effect and God will bless us. Being selfless is what makes you truly beautiful.

Throughout the week I've been trying to do little things for others. Even though things like leaving someone a note or smiling to a stranger seem so small, we underestimate how much they might make someone's day. Everyone has their own story and problems in life, most we haven't a clue about. It turns out that person that you smile to on the street may be going through something and that smile is what keeps them going that day. 

I have been feeling pretty detached from myself recently, and the more I type, the more I realize that I have SO much to be grateful for. I have amazing family and friends who have bent-over-backwards to help me during this tough time. I am in a wonderful house here at Butler, and I have never felt love from so many girlfriends in my life. I have the opportunity to learn every day at a wonderful school. I have every reason to smile and feel blessed. Each day is a gift, don't forget to unwrap it and share it with others.

My friend Alli wrote me the sweetest note the other day, and in it she included a verse that I want to conclude with....

"Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops PERSEVERANCE." James 1: 2-3

Pesevere. Love yourself. Be-you-tiful.

Me and My Crazy Dreams...

Ever since I was little, I've always had the weirdest, most vivid dreams. As crazy as it sounds, I can still remember dreams from when I was in Preschool or Kindergarten. 

In the dream I had last night, I woke up and I didn't really think much about it. However, as I got ready this morning, I realized that God in a way sent me a little message in this dream and it really comforted me.

My dream, or the parts that I remember at least, was about how I was either dating or married to this amazing guy. As I type this out, it sounds pretty ridiculous but I can't even describes how happy I was with this man. He made me smile and feel so good about myself, and at the same time I felt strong and confident.

A lot of my friends have boyfriends or guys that they've been "talking" to, and recently I've felt kind of down. I think a lot of girls, including myself, think that if they're not talking to or dating someone, then there's something wrong with them. 

However, I think God spoke to me last night and showed me what it felt like to truly love someone. After experiencing that, I now realize that God has a plan for me and I think He is saving someone really special for me. 

Today I feel like I've finally grasped that concept and I don't feel like I need to act any certain way just to get a guy to take a second look. I feel more confident in myself and I know now that by being myself and person I was meant to be, I will live a happy and blessed life.

It is sometimes scary to trust in God and to know that everything will turn out ok, but having faith in Him is what we are called to do. By trusting in His plan, I feel closer to God as well as a sense of peace. This peace is what will bring me through the hard or trying times as my plan unfolds...

Back to Butler: Sisterly Love

I started this blog a while back, but for some reason I haven't posted anything yet. I could blame it on "being too busy" or simply just not knowing what to write. Now that I'm back at Butler, however, I have realized that writing out my thoughts and ideas will help me keep it together as things start to pick up again.

I moved into Alpha Phi a couple weeks ago and I feel like I could not have picked a better fit. Not only have I been able to reconnect with the girls I met last semester, but I have also quickly made even more friendships. These friendships I've made make me feel so blessed each and every day. I am surrounded by girls who love and care for me, and I do the same for them. Every day they give me reasons to smile and laugh, and they help me forget any worries I may have. They are all great examples of girls who love themselves for who they are, and I am learning from them each day.

As I move forward with classes and writing for The Butler Collegian, I know things are going to get harder. I read an excerpt from "Jesus is Calling" and it really spoke to me and how I have been feeling lately. "Trust in Me in the midst of a messy day. Your inner calm--your Peace in My Presence--need not be shaken by what is going on around you. When you start to feel stressed, detach yourself from the disturbances around you. Instead of desperately striving to maintain order and control in your little world, relax and remember that circumstances cannot touch My Peace. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid."

I am slowly but surely learning that I cannot have control over everything in my life. I know God has a plan for me and I must wait for what is coming.